I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I want to have your abortion
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
