he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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