my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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