How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We need to rekindle our bromance
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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