I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
