The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I fill condoms, not promises.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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