I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
So. Much. Porn.
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