This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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