Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
