Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
