I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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