I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
