Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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