Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
