I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
