9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
