I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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