Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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