I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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