cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
