I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
