So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
