i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I need a beard to bite.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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