You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
