I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
