We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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