I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
