I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
