dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
