Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
