Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
