I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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