Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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