Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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