Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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