I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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