I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
