i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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