Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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