If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
