I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize