I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
