hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
