tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
