you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
