Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
