i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
