My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
