Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
