my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
