the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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