Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
