i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
